As I wander home from hours of walking the streets of Waikiki, licking the sticky Teddie’s Bigger Burger sauce off my hands, I once again thank the great islands for allowing a mortal like me to live here.
An exciting day it was! Some of my friends question why I like living in loud congested Waikiki. Well..cuz I can. After spending my first two months on the island in Pearl City and taking the bus to Waikiki every day, I found a cheap tiny apartment over on Paolakalakalulu (ok that’s not really the street name) , bought a surfboard, and planted roots in Waiks. Over the years I’ve gravitated in and around Hawaii to different areas, and even lived on the big island for a year, but I always seem to come back to Waikiki.
Hell yes it’s pricey, I pay more for a one bedroom than my friends pay for a three bedroom house on the mainland. My food bill can feed a small country. But those costs are offset by benefits such as not needing heat or air conditioning, not needing a winter wardrobe, not needing a car (our bus system rules..but I do own a teal green spyder convertible that was my midlife crisis car and she’s fun as shit for cruising the island) .
And consider this. With a world class beach a ten minute walk from my apartment, well guess what..beaches are FREE! I’m not the type to lug down ice chests and chairs, I usually bring a small backpack with a tube of sunscreen and a bottle of water. The rest takes care of itself.
Waikiki as you may know is lined with fancy hotels and resorts. One of the best things about living here is pretending to be a tourist and visiting the resorts. It’s easy to look like a tourist; wear socks and hang a camera around your neck. Also, wear a lei. Dead giveaway.
Now below is a description or excerpts from facebook posted from a typical day in Waikiki from a dirty island girl. Meaning I don’t condone this behavior and hope I don’t get caught. Ladies, keep in mind that indulging in these activities solo, while wearing a big smile and ‘not knowing any better’ works like a charm when you don’t have a man with you. Just be all smiles and pleasing to look at and if all else fails fake an accent and pretend you don’t speak English. Always, always smile. Act like you belong there but not in a snobby way.
Let me also say taht while there are tons of security cameras around Waikiki, chances are no one will ever see you again. They’re tourists. They go home. They might post a photo of you on facebook and at that point pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Sign autographs. Trust me the cops are much too busy dealing with drunks than to worry about chicks in bikinis. If you doubt me, call me and we’ll arrange a Jes customized tour de action when you arrive. If we get arrested I’ll buy you dinner (once we’re bailed..but I know a cop, no bigs).
The adventure started by a trip to Victorias Secret. This is sort of a tangent but I am allowed to get pissed off about skinny perfect Brazilian models. Body by Victoria my ass. How about Body by Jesennia complete with a curvy stomach and big enhanced tits. Yes I said tits.
After getting worked up over the discrimination about normal women I headed over to the Rumfire area, I’m not even sure which hotel it is because they all merge together. There’s an infinity pool there and I don’t normally like chlorine but the view is nice and it’s great for people who like to float with drinks and pretend they are in the ocean but prefer the pool cuz they are scared of sharks. Which..in this area you are more likely to suffer a staph infection than get bit by a shark. Not the cleanest area. But I digress..
I was kickin back on a floaty when a uniformed lady asked to see my id bracelet. I lost it, I replied. She says what room are you staying in. I told her I didn’t remember and that I was someone’s wife but he ran off to north shore for the day. She saw my hand with no wedding ring and told me the pool was for hotel guests only. I asked her how much for a room. I reluctantly left my floaty with a delighted child and shaka’d the pool attendant (male) who obviously had no problem that I was pool hoppin in a black bikini and a Parris Hilton set of sunglasses. Better luck next time he grins at me. It’s always the women who ruin a moment (ps my cop buddy says it’s always women who turn in other women at the beach who are topless..the men NEVER complain). So..next time I’ll go to Party City and get an arm bracelet in every color. Problem solved.
Now don’t let this get out to the public but I have a fake turd, it’s actually soap. I took it all the way to Costa Rica to play a joke on the cop. I carry it with me for the odd occasion that I can make a prank. I do realize I am mentally ill but not bothered in the least by that. Wouldn’t it be fun to let the turd float in a pool? Who could prove who released it? Can you IMAGINE the scuffle of people as they got out of the pool? Hey..freedom of speech. (I also want to take it to a restaurant, put it on my plate after the waiter delivers food and ask him if I received the wrong order).
Object of Concern
I dried off by wandering over to the Hilton to get a bag of chocolate covered coffee beans. And paid $20 for a jar of honey. Oh but this is supposed to be an article on free stuff. Scratch that part. The honey by the way is fabulous, good enough to eat out of the jar. I sat on the sidewalk dipping coffee beans in the honey and giggling like a loon. The Hilton ducks were downright aggressive and tried to pickpocket me but I don’t want to be responsible for OD’ing a damn duck on chocolate and honey so I wouldn’t give them any.
I had a point to this..OH!! Many gift shops with edibles will give out free samples if it looks like you might purchase something. At the Kona coffee store I was fed two cups of kona coffee (the first one I guzzled but pretended not to like it so she let me try the dark roast). She then treated me to four different types of chocolate, macadamia nuts, and two spoonfuls of honey. I was full. Ok so I bought the honey and some chocolate beans. But samples are a good thing. You can also get free samples at the Honolua Cookie company (in fact there’s like 8 different kinds so you can munch out on multiple samples) also the Yogurt place over by McDonalds gives you taster cups, you can stand over by the machines and taste all 12 flavors. Full belly. The things you learn from the homeless I tell ya.
After getting jacked up on kona roast I wandered back to the Sheraton because along the narrow boardwalk if you are lucky you can grab a hammock, and never have they checked for an armband. Along the way was the usual assortment of free entertainment. The hairy European guy in a speedo bending over. A large wave washing Gramma up on shore (she was fiiiiine all smiles), a non-English speaking couple taking out stand up boards for the first time and well..you fill in the gaps. Sunburnt dads getting buried in sand by their kids. The beach is what many of us live for. What we dream about. It’s therapy.
The female pool lady wasn’t around but I passed by anyways, on the other side of Rumfire there are a collection of large hammocks. To my delight one was available, the one on the end, so I climbed in with my chocolate beans and enjoyed the view.
Off to my left there is a gorgeous view of the ocean but I would have had to move the chocolate to lift an arm to take a picture and that was a lot of work considering it’s a Saturday. We live for hammocks in Hawaii. We wish we could sleep in them. Which reminds me I need to have a strong guy come over and drill holes in the wall out on the lanai so I can hang a hammock. Or maybe get one of those tripod ones but I’m sensing a collapse. At the current rate of rent now I’m wondering if I could stick a cot out there and rent it out.
So, the Sheraton security was politely ushering everyone out and hauling in tables and speaker systems. I used the opportunity to strip down to my black bikini and pretend to sleep. I was left alone. I noticed I was the only one left in the area. After getting hammock face I turned around and a guy was rolling a huge amp or something past me. I smiled sweetly and asked if I had to leave. Nah..you good you not in da way. Maybe lates when da event starts. Oh cool, I say, is Obama here? Free food? He laughs and says if I can find a way to sneak in, he’ll look the other way.
If you are a girl in a bikini security won’t make you leave
Now I’ll tangent again and say it’s nothing I encourage but I have ‘heard about’ some of my ahem friends catching wind of a wedding going on (people are always getting married, if only the marriage ended up being paradise like the wedding lol just kidding) anyways they either peek at the guest list or start up a conversation with one of the guests and I’ll be diggity damned if they end up inside having seared ahi and cheering the bride and groom. Huh uh I’ve never done it. Points finger at Dirty Island Boys.
I finally have my fill of hammock time and decide to go to Walls to watch the waves then head to Teddies for an ultimate calorie burger. I thank the guards and notice one is a manager. Hey, I say..I’m local do you mind if I come back with my mermaid tail and swim in the pool? And..(I knew I was pushing my luck) can I go down the waterslide head first with the tail on? He didn’t even blink an eye and said sure, and even mentioned he might have to put me on the payroll.
Look close it’s a water slide
So..again free hammock time and free swimming pool use at a top resort. See how easy it is. Again I give guided tours.
After a lot of walking you may want to cool off in the turquoise waters of Waikiki. Take note, many tourists have to head to the airport around 1pm. They leave abandoned boogie boards and plastic floaties all over the beach (why do you think our population of homeless by choice is so large). Grab your favorite color and you have a free floatie for an hour. Dump a mai tai in an empty Menehune bottle and you have yourself a calming dip in da wada. FREE. Gather enough of those floaters and you may well have a house.
That ends my saga for the day. As you can tell life is rough on the island. My body aches from too much laying in the hammock. Massages are not free unless you know the wrong people. I won’t go there. Netflix was kind enough to deliver a documentary on surfing in Bali to me. Time to climb in the sack with a jar of honey and plan the next outing.
Until then, be well mates and don’t take life too seriously